Identity Theft. It's a terrifying prospect, if you're anyone except me. I feel a bit wistful when I see it in the headlines: ARE YOU SAFE FROM IDENTITY THEFT? Sadly, yes. Safer than a gold bar in Fort Knox, because I have an identity that no one on earth would want. The luckless soul who lifted my identity by accident would be all too easy to track down. He or she would be advertising in every newspaper on the planet begging someone else to take my identity off his or her desperate hands.

One thing I've been dying to ask someone ever since I first heard of identity theft: If someone steals my identity, do I get theirs, or do I simply cease to exist? Do I become the thief, or do I become nobody? Either is better than being me.