Election '08: The Purple Shoe

My Shoeful of children have expressed a lot of opinions about the upcoming election.  They are not pleased to hear that mom is "Moderate, Independent, Undecided."  They've heard from a lot of people who aren't waffling like dear old Mom.  One day household opinion is running "red"; the next day it's slanted "blue."  Just call this house the Purple Shoe.  Only my high schooler has made up his mind.  Were he empowered to cast a ballot, he would vote for:  no one.  Neither candidate "impresses" him, he says, with youthful confidence that someone "impressive"—an obviously Great Leader—will appear on the political scene when he is 20, or 24, or 28.

My younger children, on the other hand, have told me many, many times in past weeks, who I should vote for and why.  Their views are based on what they've heard on the news, and at school, and from recorded voices over the telephone:

Reasons My Kids Say I Should Vote Democrat

1.  McCain is an old fart.  He's about to die.  Just look at him.
2.  Obama is pro-homo.  I am pro-homo.  The gays can leave me alone, and I'll leave them alone.
3.  Obama is black.  Black people are cooler than white people.
4.  Obama wants to rob from the rich and give to the poor.  We're poor.
5.  Obama is for the planet.  McCain doesn't like this planet at all.
6.  We need Obama because it's all Bush's fault the economy is whack.
7.  Obama is for peace.  Peace out, dude.

Reasons My Kids Say I Should Vote Republican

1.  Democrats hate Christians and want to kill us.  Hillary especially.
2.  Obama wants to take away all guns, even dart guns.
3.  McCain is pro-life, and it's good to save little bitty babies in their mamas' wombs.  What's a womb?
4.  Obama wants to raise taxes and taxes suck.
5.  Gay people are wrong; haven't you read it in the Bible?
6.  Democrats put the economy in a big session, and McCain can get the session over with.
7.  Obama is a wussy and McCain will kick Iraq's butt.  McCain is a soldier and soldiers rock.

We have dialogues.  I ask gently probing questions, try to bring out the gray between the latest black-and-white political slogans they've adopted.  I say things like, "Don't you think. . .:" "Have you considered. . ."  "Well, both candidates seem to. . ."  "Well, I'm concerned that neither candidate has. . ."  "Isn't it a bit more complicated than. . ."

They ignore me, entrench themselves deeper, call each other idiots, and reverse themselves the very next day.

"Oh, yeah?  Yesterday you were for McCain."
"Was not!"
"Were too, you moron!"
"You hate the earth!"
"You want babies to die!"
"You want more taxes!"
"You don't support the troops!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  You-Ess-AAAAAY!

Ah, my darling little Americans, playing at the political games they've watched the grown-ups play.  I did manage to reassure one little son, who has switched parties four or five times, that I doubted very much—however the election comes out—that McCain will keel over dead right after his acceptance speech, or that Obama will show up here in person on Nov. 5 to confiscate a certain beloved dart gun.  And, that I know some very fine Christians who endorsed Hillary without fear for their lives.