I get high-speed internet through my phone line courtesy of a carrier I call Embroglio. Or I did get high-speed internet, for three months. Now I get internet upon occasion, and Embroglio refuses to fix it, saying there is nothing to fix.

The last customer support rep whom I talked to said that somebody has set up a transformer (the Halseys' cattle herd, no doubt) between me and town, and it is interfering with my signal. Several customer service reps have offered theories about the problem that their computers indicate I'm not having with Embroglio internet service.

Embroglio's engineers can never find any evidence that my signal is ever anything less than perfect. It is the most flawless, powerful stream of internet access anybody ever failed to receive. My phone call to Embroglio's tech support every other week has become sort of like a game that we play, or a theatre that we keep re-enacting.

First, I sit on hold for 30-45 minutes. The first thing the technical support person does is ask for my phone number, which makes me wonder why, as soon as I called Embroglio, a recorded voice made me enter my telephone number. Have they forgotten it? What is the purpose of making me key in my telephone number? Maybe Embroglio should look into their own Caller ID plan?  Oh well. Mine is not to reason why. The curtain rises, and the play is on.

Prologue: Re-Resetting My Modem

Last night I said to the technician, "I know you're going to make me reset this modem that I have already reset three times, so let's get on with it."

"Please," Techie said. At least he asked nicely. I straightened out a paperclip, held down the reset button 45 seconds, waited 15 additional seconds.

"No internet," I reported.

"Just a moment," he said. Sure. I got nothing but time. My kids are fighting, supper is burning, and I have 50 more pages of back-to-school paperwork to fill out, but you can have my whole evening for this drama to unfold. I know all my lines by heart.

Act One: Our Records Indicate You Continue to Have a Problem

Techie looks at my long record of complaint calls and tsk-tsks, saying it is really a pity I have had so many difficulties with Embroglio's service. Long pause.  Sometimes this Techie is actually the second level of tech assistance, the Tech Support Specialist. Whether a plain-techie or a Specialist, the dude always has no idea what the problem is.  He is completely at a  loss.  So--like a used car salesman who must Speak to the Manager before screwing you over $500 less than he originally intended--Techie must go Confer with the Engineers. 

Act Two: Our Computers Indicate You Have No Problem

Techie subjects me to five more minutes of Muzak and comes back on and says that it's the darndest thing--the Embroglio Engineering Team sees nothing wrong with my signal. From Charlotte or Timbuktu or wherever they are, their computers show that my signal is "perfect."

You may interrupt at this point and ask, why can't I pick up the phone and call Embroglio downtown, where the signal is coming from, and have them check it at the source? Because the local Embroglio offiice has no customer support. They only have technicians in trucks who don't answer the phone, unless the Embroglio Powers that Be call them from hundreds of miles away and dispatch them to my house--in which case they check the phone lines and tell me everything is just fine.

Sometimes (and this really burns my butterbeans), my internet will come back on while I am waiting for the Techie to get back on the horn and tell me that the engineers say I have no internet access problem. I feel like the kid who sees an alien spacecraft in the B movie and brings back the mayor and his parents and half the town, to find only a grease spot on the ground. Techie asks, "do you have internet now?" and I must sheepishly admit that I do. After all, it's sporadic high-speed service, not non-existent service, and it's bound to come back sometime, if they keep you on the phone long enough.

But sometimes the internet light is still out when Techie comes out of his conference. Either way, Act Three is exactly the same.

Act Three: See, You Have No Problem, Or if You Still Insist You Do in Spite of All the Contrary Evidence, It's Not Our Fault

Techie says, "Is there anything else I can help you with?" as if my internet woes have been resolved, or denied by the engineers, and either way, they are taken care of.

I grind my teeth and try not to hurl the phone into the monitor, and reply sweetly, "Yes. My internet is unreliable. It is in, it is out, it is in, it is out, and it always goes out after every thunderstorm for at least an hour. The problem is getting worse. It went out three times today."

Techie says, "We are not seeing a problem here. I could send a technician out (and he says this with the vocal inflection of, "I could call out the National Guard") but your signal cannot be any better. You have an excellent signal. You have a dream-come-true signal.  You have the kind of signal that people weep and petition and beat our doors in for. (Okay, he doesn't say this.  He says:) It is possible that you are too far out at 20,000 feet and something is interfering with your signal from time to time--but we do not show any interruption is occurring in your service.  We do not recommend service farther than 18,000 feet." (You don't?  Then who did???)

He pauses again, then repeats, "Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"Apparently not, sir. You have a record of my call. Goodbye."  Curtain.  And there will be an encore.

I hang up the phone and torment myself with these thoughts: if I was too far from town to receive high-speed internet through a phone line more than 75% of the time, why did no one at Embroglio tell me this before they installed the equipment? Are they just ripping me off to the tune of $30 a month because they know I'm not going to go with satellite internet for $150 a month or switch back to dial-up? Are Embroglio's people/computers lying?

Maybe I am imagining things. What do I know about computer engineering anyway? Clearly these highly intelligent city guys don't think this hysterical hillbilly female has a genuine internet problem. Maybe the problem is my fault. Do I need to replace my ethernet port, my phone cable, my modem box, my phone jack filter--all of which I have replaced in the last two months, some of these items more than once? Maybe I need to be a good girl and quit complaining and just keep paying the bill. The internet will work eventually.

Oh, God. This internal dialogue is all too familiar. How did this happen? For better or worse, for poorer and even poorer, in signal sickness and signal health, on the phone with techies till death do us part.. . .

I'm married to Embroglio.