Just Don't Say the "R" Word

I'm celebrating a birthday soon.  How shall I treat and pamper myself?  I am thinking luxury.  I am thinking status symbol.  I am thinking my wildest fantasy coming true.  I am thinking a fuel tank needle pointing to "F."

I used to date this guy who brought takeout food to my kids.  This was back when a tank of gas for the minivan was $50.00, not $80.00.  A nice roast cost $10.00, not $25.00.  This was a year and a half ago.

Nowadays, if a date came to the door with an extra large bucket of Kentucky Fried, I would propose.  If he also brought over a couple of gallons of milk, I'd offer to become his mistress.  If he put fuel in the minivan, all the way up to "F", I'd--I'd--research back issues of Cosmo for creative ideas.

Everybody I know is financially up against it.  But this country is not in a recession.  If the American people thought we were in a recession, we would stop spending.  Wait, we've already done that.  If we thought this was a recession we might decide that job hunting is futile.  Oh yeah--we've already done that.  If someone declared a recession we might demand that the pharmaceutical companies come up with new anti-depressants that also tranquilize and kill pain.  Oh!  You don't say?  And what do they call it?  Cymbalta?  Ooooooooo.  It sounds like an African tribal dance.  It sounds like a cruise ship.  Doctor?  Oh, doctor?  Could I get some Cymbalta, please?  I'm in love and his name is Eli Lilly.

But where was I?  Oh, yes!  This is not a recession, dammit!  Nine out of ten Americans in the free cheese line say we are not in an economic downturn of any kind.  We say it's a downslip, a downtick, a momentary glitch in the GDP.  We also say can we please have some free powdered milk and dried beans?  We aren't in a recession until all our factories relocate to Asia.  We aren't in a recession until we all cross the southern border and beg the Mexicans to let us pick their fruit.  The economy is booming--but with less enthusiasm.  America flourishes--just not so's you'd notice.  This is a time of economic challenge.  A new frontier.  The important thing is to ignore our lack of jobs, lack of insurance, and massive debt together, as one.

The dollar has seen stronger days, though, we must admit.  Last week a dollar went to the beach and a euro kicked sand in its face.  When I was a kid, the dollar kicked derriere, culo, and arsch.  Lira and yen trembled in a dollar's presence.  A British pound got pounded just for looking at a dollar the wrong way.  You'd travel to a foreign country and wave your dollars around and they'd pour a dump truck load of local currency over your head.  No longer.  The dollar is so anemic that the feds give each bill a vitamin bath hot off the printing press.  A single stick of chewing gum now costs around $5 in German marks, although they will still sell you a wad of gum tree bark for $1.75 in some parts of Africa.  

My 2008 dollars buy next to nothing, even in my own country.  I can still get a stick of butter for $1.00, or about three eggs.  Which reminds me:  why isn't my house a Leading Economic Indicator?  It should be.  The way I run my household shows precisely how bad the economy is.  If I ask Grayson National Bank for a refrigerated safe deposit box for my precious butter and eggs, this bodes ill for the economy.  If I limit my kids' toilet paper use to five sheets for "number one" and ten sheets for "number two," then the Dow Jones ain't on the upswing.  I should report my data directly to the chairman of the Federal Reserve Board:

I serve pinto beans:  downturn
I serve pinto beans three times in a week:  recession
Pinto beans?  Have some imitation bacon bits on bread:  depression

No tissues, use paper towels:  downturn
No paper towels, use handkerchiefs:  recession
No handkerchiefs, use your sleeves:  depression

We don't go to the doctor with congested sore throats:  downturn
We don't go to the doctor with congested sore throats until our fevers hit 104 degrees:  recession
We go directly to the ER when we are purple with pneumonia:  depression

And Teacher said economics is not an exact science!

I'm not saying this is a recession but last year, the House of Representatives voted to send me some money, which would have amounted to around a thousand dollars, in theory.  It got lost in the mail or something, but think of all the theoretical goods and services I could have bought with this theoretical cash from old Uncle Sam!  

But my parents--they never got even theoretical cash from the government; they paid real taxes.  If the government is fantasizing about sending money to us, then perhaps the economy is not all that it should be?  I'm just saying.  It's a bit odd, is all.  I repeat, we are not in a recession, but the majority of Americans are flat broke, and the rest are in debt up to their scalps, and prices are skyrocketing, and the dollar was just declared dead, and worst of all, I have to wait for generic Cymbalta to come out, because Medicaid doesn't cover it.  Not that I'm not prospering, mind you.  Or depressed, recessed, or even downturned in spirit.  That would be un-American.