Online Dating Dictionary

Considering online dating?  Maybe you know somebody who found love on an internet dating site, and are ready to try your luck.  There are gobs and gobs of these sites. Some are free, like Yahoo! Personals and plentyoffish.com, and some cost money, like eharmony.com. 

But before you take the plunge and try out online dating, you need to learn the lingo, so here is the world's first ever Online Dating Dictionary.  The actual terms people use in their profiles are listed with their real meanings. Sometimes a word's meaning in an online profile differs, depending on gender of the person posting the profile, so, where this is the case, (m) is male; (f) is female.

active lifestyle (m):  viewing college students on cam and trolling Ebay for Harley merch
active lifestyle (f):  joined a gym once, hasn't been there for over a year
a few extra pounds:  frequently dragged into bodies of water by PETA
casual dating:  one-night stands
creative (m):  closet homosexual
creative (f):  jobless scrapbooking nut
does not drink:  anything but alcohol
down to earth:  rarely bathes
easygoing:  lazy and unmotivated
enthusiastic:  diagnosed with histrionic disorder
good country girl/guy:  three remaining teeth; vocab. of 50 words
homeowner:  ex wanted dog, not trailer
honest:  can lie with a straight face
hooking up:  one-hour stands
in great shape:  if a bulbous oval is a great shape
likes great conversation:  uglier than a mud fence
long-term relationship:  won't leave until after breakfast
long walks:  25 yards, or until I have a coronary
long walks on the beach:  hoping you can pay for accommodations
loves kids (f):  mother of ten, by eight different men
loves kids (m):  on other continents
loves the outdoors:  but is logged onto the desktop 24/7
loves to cuddle:  can't get up off the sofa
neat and organized:  obsessive-compulsive
no games (f):  much-abused by men, plenty of baggage
no games (m):  except strip poker
open-minded:  swinger, into orgies, preferably involving primates
passionate/free spirit (m): ditto
passionate/free spirit (f):  next mood swing in 10 seconds
professional:  do you want fries with that?
social drinker:  thoroughly marinaded by 10 a.m.
real catch:  thrown back daily
recent photo:  pic dates from the Carter administration
romantic/flirtatious:  more promiscuous than most forms of jungle life
romantic candlelight dinners:  at the Clam Shack.  Got candles?
seeking Christian: three STDs is plenty
seeking nice man:  nice and rich, that is
seeking nice woman:  i.e. Playboy centerfold
stocky/curvy:  so obese my eyes are mere slits
stable job:  cleaning stables
starting over:  separated from spouse #4 yesterday
trim:  pudgy
wants independent man:  has several boyfriends
wants independent woman:  in need of financial support
youthful/look younger:  lifelike exhumed remains

And there you have it, dear readers.  Forewarned is forearmed, and now you are all ready to pick a dating site and post a profile, and start getting, er, um, interesting responses.  From the bottom of my heart, the Old Woman in a Shoe wishes you all the best of luck with finding love, romance, or whatever you may be looking for.